shame

I have a ton of work to do around shame.  Feeling it.  Sitting in it.   Always allowing it to inform all that I do.  It keeps me from interacting with people.  It feeds my anxiety.

I remember reading Healing the Shame That Binds You, John Bradshaw, in the '90's.  I'm going to get it back out.  And work through it.  Also, maybe, Codependent No More, Beattie.  There are probably updated, newer books, especially with all the newer research around trauma.  In the early nineties, my brain wasn't ready to do a deep dive into that healing.  I was just beginning.  I read them in rehab.  I relapsed a bunch.  Each time, I learned more about myself and the world.  

I got divorced, I did EMDR.  I attempted suicide.  I lived with an alcoholic.  I was bullied in high school.  I'm an incest survivor. My mom trafficked me.  I've been raped, taken advantage of while drunk (still rape).  Money stolen.  Money given away to not be repaid.  I've also been an asshole to people.  I've always kept people at arm's length, even my own children.

AND

I always believed I would, things would, the world would get better.

I want to have a home the girls could come home to.  

Spent the weekend at SIL's family home.  Again.  Grief.  Staying in it and with it.  SIL's kids were there.  All but one.  It's nice to have a place for everyone to convene. I don't know why, in fifteen years, I have not had a real conversation with anyone in that side of the family.

I do know why.

Shame.

Day after day.

My verb tense is not consistent.  Let's call it poetry?  Or just bad writing.  If I was brave enough to carve out time for this, more time, I would actually edit.  My fantasy is that my writer daughter would edit all this bs for me, with me.

I miss my real life, grown-up daughters.

I was able to tell one of SIL's grown children that I hope he was ably to keep shame at bay.  I have a lot to say, I am realizing that this all deserves more time carved out ... it deserves my attention.

I deserve my attention.

And, I am just here creating a habit.  So let's not get too judgy, too soon.