habits

 

I'm just trying to create a habit here.  One that leaves something of value behind.  All other habits I've ever endeavored being of little value.  Well.  I have a horrible habit of learning.  Learning from my mistakes, really fucking feeling them.  But not knowing what to do with that BIG overwhelming electricity that surges in my entire body, entering through the eyes, rocketing to the head, exploding, then sending shock waves to torso and limbs.

That.  All habits have been an attempt to avoid the aforementioned phenomenon from happening to me.

And. 

I am tired of telling about things that have HAPPENED to me.  

I fear that I will be gone and the girls will not know things from my lens.  From my perspective, although I do not like that word.  It sounds small, like the end of a beak on a cardinal.  Small and menacing.  But I do like lens.  It puts us all in the same room together but with different filters.  Perspective gives way to that time I felt my back pasted to my ceiling in my bedroom on 11th Street, floating out of my body.  I could see what was transpiring below me.  So.  Perspective may have saved my life, but I don't like it.  Lens is better.  Lens is less of a gaslight for me.

The habit I am trying to create here is just write this shit down.  Make sure the girls have it.  Temper it because I may not have the stamina and don't want to injure myself.  But do it.

Make sure the girls have it.  Their most beautiful story and how I ...  how I ... would like to try again.